A father's role in parenting: how dads can share the everyday work

Many fathers in Bangladesh grew up with a father who earned the money and gave the punishments, and now wonder what a father's role in parenting should look like for their own children.

The answer is simpler than it sounds: children need their father in the everyday moments, not only for the big decisions. Feeding, bath time, school runs, play and a ten-minute talk at night all count, and fathers can do almost all of it.

Below: what fathers do, ideas by age, sharing the daily work, moving beyond the disciplinarian role, busy and faraway fathers, daughters and sons, a 7-day plan and when to get help.

What is a father's role in parenting?

A father's role in parenting covers the same ground as a mother's: keeping the child safe, cared for, loved and guided. Families share the work in different ways, but children usually do best when both parents are part of daily life, rather than one doing everything and the other stepping in only for big moments.

Children with a warm, involved father often gain:

• Security: a second close adult to turn to when things go wrong, who comforts as well as protects.
• Confidence: active play with their father, such as chasing games, cycling or climbing at the park, can help children feel brave and capable.
• A mother who can rest: shared care leaves the mother less exhausted, which helps the whole family.

How fathers can bond with children at every age

What a father does changes as children grow, but the core stays the same: show up, pay attention and be safe to come to.

For more ideas at every age, see how to bond with your child.

Sharing parenting work: how can dads take on feeding, bedtime and school?

Dad involvement in parenting often starts with helping. The shift that matters most is from helping to owning: taking a whole job from start to finish, including remembering it. Try taking one area completely:

• Feeding: one meal a day is yours, from serving to wiping the table. With a baby, take a night feed if your baby takes a bottle, or bring the baby to the mother and do the burping and settling.
• Bedtime: a wash, teeth, a story and lights out are yours every night you are home. If your family says a dua at bedtime, you can say it together.
• School: know the teacher's name, go to parent-teacher meetings, check the diary and help with homework one evening a week.
• Health: keep the vaccination card, take your child to the doctor yourself, and know their medicines and allergies.
• Talking: ten minutes a day without your phone, asking about friends, worries and what made them laugh.
• The mental load: birthdays, school fees, uniform sizes, the next vaccine. Put them in your own phone calendar instead of waiting to be reminded.

In a Bangladeshi home: is discipline only the father's job?

“Wait till your father comes home” is a line many Bangladeshi children grow up with. In many homes the mother is the soft one and the father is the one who punishes, so a child learns to fear his footsteps at the door. It comes from love and worry, but it often has a cost:

• Children hide mistakes and problems from the parent they fear, so the father is often the last to know when something is wrong.
• The father misses the warm side of his children, and the mother carries all the comforting alone.
• Punishment saved up for hours later rarely teaches anything; the child remembers the fear, not the lesson.
• Hitting and harsh punishment tend to make behaviour worse over time, and can damage the relationship well into the teenage years.

A kinder way to share discipline

1. 1Agree the main rules together, as parents, and tell your children that both of you hold them.
2. 2Whoever is there deals with it, calmly and at the time, instead of saving it for the father.
3. 3Use calm consequences that fit the problem, such as losing screen time after breaking a screen rule, and never hitting or shaming. See positive discipline.
4. 4When the father comes home, let the first minutes be a welcome, not a report of the day's wrongs.
5. 5Repair after you lose your temper: say sorry, and show that the relationship is safe again.

In joint families, an elder may tease a father who changes nappies or cooks. A smile and “I enjoy it” is usually enough, and children notice a father who cares for them in front of everyone.

Busy dad quality time: fathers who work long hours or abroad

Long office hours, six-day weeks and Dhaka traffic leave many fathers with little time on weekdays, and many Bangladeshi families have a father working in the Gulf, Malaysia or elsewhere for years. Long hours and distance do not have to mean a distant father.

If you work long hours

• Keep one daily ritual you never skip: breakfast together, the school drop or a story at bedtime, even a late one.
• Give the first ten minutes at home to your children, before the phone and the news.
• Make Friday count with one outing or activity that belongs to you and your child, such as the market, a park or cooking lunch together. More ideas in quality time for working parents.

If you work abroad

• Call at a fixed time, so your child can look forward to it. Short, regular calls usually work better than long, rare ones.
• Do ordinary things on video: read a bedtime story, look at homework, let them show you a drawing.
• Stay part of decisions about school, health and rules, and back the mother's decisions in front of the children.
• Let gifts be extra, not the main way you show love; your time and attention matter more.
• When you come home, go slowly. Younger children may be shy for a few days. Play first, and leave the rules to the routine the mother has built.

What do daughters and sons need from their father?

Daughters and sons need the same warmth, time and respect from their father. A few things are worth extra care.

The father and daughter relationship

• Take her ideas, studies and dreams seriously. Ask what she thinks, and listen to the answer.
• Show her how a good man treats women, through the way you speak to her mother, your own mother and the women who work in your home.
• Stay close through puberty. Let her lead, support her mother, and be a father who can buy sanitary pads without embarrassment, so she learns her body is nothing to be ashamed of. See puberty talk with daughters.
• As she grows, ask before a hug and accept a no. It teaches her that her body is her own.

The father and son relationship

• Show that men have feelings. Saying “I was worried” or “that made me sad” tells your son that boys can cry and talk, whatever “boys don't cry” says.
• Let him see you cook, clean and care for younger children, so he grows up thinking it is normal.
• Be the one who talks about puberty, body changes and respect for girls, before friends and the internet do. See puberty talk with sons.
• Build a friendship by doing things side by side: cricket, fixing something, a long walk. Many boys talk more when they don't have to look at you.

A 7-day plan for a more involved dad

Each evening, note one line: what you did with your child, for how long, and how they responded. A father's role in parenting grows through small, repeated moments like these.

1. 1Day 1: change nothing. Note every moment you spent with your child today, and what you did.
2. 2Day 2: choose one daily job to own from start to finish, such as bedtime or the school drop, and tell your family.
3. 3Day 3: give the first ten minutes after you come home to your child, with your phone away.
4. 4Day 4: ask one question that needs more than a yes or no: “What was the best part of today?”
5. 5Day 5: if a rule is broken today, handle it yourself, calmly and at the time, with no shouting.
6. 6Day 6: plan a Friday activity for just the two of you, chosen by your child. If you are abroad, plan a longer video call with a story.
7. 7Day 7: read your notes with your wife. What did your child enjoy most? Keep that, and add one more job next week.

When should a father get help?

Fathers are often the last to ask for help, yet asking is part of a father's role in parenting too. Talk to a doctor or counsellor if any of these sound familiar, and act at once where there is danger:

Closeness between fathers and children is built in small, steady moments. ParentMind helps you note what happens each day, see patterns and get guidance: how ParentMind works.