Unwanted parenting advice from relatives: what to say, and when to listen
Quick answer
Unwanted parenting advice from relatives usually comes from love or habit, so answer briefly and kindly: thank them, give a short reply, and change the subject. Protect your child first: answer comments about their body, marks or behaviour on the spot. Talk privately about repeat comments, and take worries about speech, hearing or growth to a doctor.
By the ParentMind team11 min readListen to this article
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At a glance
- Who it is for
- Parents of children of any age who hear constant comments and advice from relatives, in-laws and neighbours
- Key takeaways
- Most comments come from love, worry or habit, and a short, warm reply with a change of subject usually goes better than an argument.
- Your child is listening: answer comments about their body, marks, speech or behaviour on the spot, so they hear you on their side.
- Pick your battles: let small things go, but hold firm on hitting, shaming, safety and health.
- Some advice deserves a listen: a relative's worry about speech, hearing or growth is worth checking with a doctor, even when it stings.
Eid lunch, and within ten minutes you have heard it all: “He's so thin, don't you feed him?”, “Still not talking? Our boy spoke at one”, “A slap would sort her out.” Unwanted parenting advice from relatives is part of family life in many Bangladeshi homes, and it can leave a parent feeling judged and a child feeling small.
You don't have to choose between respecting elders and protecting your child. A few prepared lines, said with a smile, let you do both, and many relatives soften once they see you calm and sure.
Below: why relatives comment, common comments with short replies, what to say word for word, protecting your child, choosing your battles, when advice is worth hearing, a 7-day plan and when to get help.
Why do relatives comment on our children so much?
In many families, children belong to everyone, and advice is a way of caring. Knowing what is behind a comment makes it easier not to take it personally:
- Love and worry: “He's so thin” often means “I want him to be well.”
- Their own experience: they raised children in a different time, when a smack, sweetened milk in a bottle or early schooling felt normal.
- Habit and small talk: weight, marks and marriage are easy topics at gatherings.
- Comparison and pride: cousins' results and milestones get counted, often without thinking.
- Sometimes, real concern: an aunt who raised five children may spot something worth a second look.
Seeing the reason doesn't mean agreeing. It simply helps you answer from calm rather than hurt.
Common comments about children, and a short reply for each
| Comment | Often behind it | A short reply |
|---|---|---|
| Weight: “He's so thin, don't you feed him?” | Worry about health; the old idea that chubby means healthy | “His doctor checks his growth, and he's doing well.” |
| Skin: “She's gone so dark.” | A fair-skin bias picked up over a lifetime | “We think her colour is beautiful.” |
| Marks: “What's her roll number? My son got GPA 5.” | Pride, competition, worry about the future | “She's working hard, and we're proud of her.” |
| Speech: “Still not talking? Ours spoke at one.” | Real worry, or comparison | “Thanks, we're watching it, and we'll ask her doctor.” |
| Discipline: “A slap would sort him out” or “You're spoiling him.” | How they themselves were raised | “We've found calm limits work better for him.” |
| Shyness: “Why won't she greet anyone? So rude.” | Expecting children to perform for guests | “She warms up slowly. She'll come and say hello soon.” |
| Habits: “Still sleeping in your bed?” or “Give him the phone, he'll eat.” | Different habits from a different time | “This is what works for our family right now.” |
Comments about weight and skin colour need special care, because they can stay with a child for years; protecting your child from body shaming has more. Comparisons with cousins have their own guide: comparing your child with others.
Unwanted parenting advice from relatives: what to say in the moment
When unwanted parenting advice from relatives comes in front of others, a simple order helps:
- Pause and breathe. A calm face does half the work.
- Check who is listening. If your child can hear, answer for their sake first.
- Thank them, or name the care: “I know you worry about him.”
- Give one short reply, not a lecture or a defence of every choice.
- Change the subject, or give the relative a job: “Could you help me serve the payesh?”
- Later, talk to your child. If the comments keep coming, talk to the relative in private, or ask your partner to speak to their own family.
Polite replies you can use
- Thank you, I'll think about it.
- I know you say it because you love him.
- We're doing it this way for now, and it's going well for us.
- We don't talk about her weight in front of her. Tell her about your garden instead!
- We've decided not to hit. If he's naughty, just send him to me.
- You raised wonderful children. We're learning our own way too.
How to protect your child from hearing hurtful comments
Children of every age listen to adult talk, even when they seem busy playing. What they hear about themselves can become what they believe:
- Never agree with a put-down to keep the peace, such as “Yes, he's very naughty” or “She's lazy, what can I do?”
- Don't discuss your child's problems, marks or habits with relatives while your child can hear.
- Don't make children perform, by reciting, showing marks or kissing every relative. A wave or a greeting is enough, and they can say no to kisses.
- Prepare older children: tell them that if relatives quiz them about marks, they can say they're working on it and come and find you.
- Give teenagers a way out, such as an errand or a call, when the questioning gets too much.
What you might say to your child afterwards
- Nani said something that wasn't fair. I don't agree with it.
- You're doing well, and I'm proud of you.
- If anyone's words hurt you, you can always tell me.
Setting boundaries with family: when to let it go and when to speak up
You can't answer every comment from every relative, and trying usually starts a quarrel. Save your firmness for the things that matter:
| Usually let it go | Speak up, kindly but firmly |
|---|---|
| A one-off remark at a wedding or at Eid | The same comment at every visit, in front of your child |
| Old-fashioned tips you simply won't use | Hitting, threats or shaming, from anyone |
| Extra sweets or a late night on a visit | Safety and health: honey before the first birthday, medicines you haven't agreed, a young child left alone near water or a balcony |
| Advice about your cooking, your tiredness or your home | Comments on your child's body, skin colour or intelligence |
| Different rules at nanabari for a day | Secrets: “Don't tell your mother” |
If grandparents look after your child often, setting rules with grandparents has a fuller plan for the rules that must hold.
When is a relative's advice worth listening to?
Not all unwanted parenting advice from relatives is wrong. Elders have raised many children, and sometimes they notice what a busy parent misses. A comment is worth a second look when:
- It is about speech or hearing: no words by about 16 months, no two-word phrases by about 2, or losing words they had. See speech delay in toddlers.
- It is about growth or eating: weight loss, clothes getting loose, or a child who seems unwell or tired all the time. A check-up settles it either way.
- Several people who know your child well are saying the same thing.
- It is practical help: a recipe for a picky eater, a lullaby, a story from your own childhood.
The opposite trap matters too. Kind reassurance such as “boys talk late” or “he'll grow out of it” can delay a check you were already worried about. If your gut says something is off, ask your child's doctor anyway.
In a Bangladeshi home: Eid visits, in-laws and the family group chat
Some comments are especially familiar in Bangladeshi families, and a plan for each makes them easier to handle:
- Eid and weddings: the biggest gatherings bring the most comments. Prepare two or three replies, and plan quiet breaks for your child.
- In-laws: when the mother is blamed for everything (“she must be doing something wrong”), her husband can stand up for her and for the choices they made together. Joint family parenting has more for shared homes.
- “What will people say?”: the opinions of neighbours and relatives can push parents into choices they don't believe in. Your child's wellbeing comes first.
- Photos online: children's photos in family groups or on Facebook invite comments on looks and weight. Share fewer, with a smaller circle.
- Daughters and sons: comments such as “try for a son” or “a girl doesn't need so much study” can hurt a child who hears them. Answer kindly and clearly: “We're proud of our daughter.”
A 7-day plan for the next big family visit
Use the days around Eid, a wedding or a long visit. Each evening, note one comment you heard, what you said, and how your child seemed.
- Day 1: List the comments you hear most, and who makes them.
- Day 2: For each one, choose a short reply from this page, or write your own.
- Day 3: Agree with your partner who will answer which relatives, and a signal to change the subject.
- Day 4: Practise your replies out loud until they come easily and kindly.
- Day 5: Prepare your child: what relatives might ask, what they can say, and where to find you.
- Day 6: If one relative is a repeat problem, have a private, thankful talk, or ask your partner to.
- Day 7: Read your notes. What worked? Praise your child for one thing they handled well.
When is it more than unwanted advice?
Most comments are irritating rather than harmful. Get help, from a family counsellor, your child's doctor or someone you trust, if you notice:
Get help if
- A relative keeps hitting, threatening or shaming your child after you have asked them to stop: don't leave your child alone with that person, and talk it through with a family counsellor or your child's doctor. If your child has been hurt, see a doctor the same day; you can report it at the local police station.
- Your child is suddenly afraid of one relative, doesn't want to visit one home, or has injuries nobody can explain: believe your child, keep them away from that person, act the same day and report it at the local police station; call 999 if they are in danger now.
- Your child repeats the put-downs about themselves, such as “I'm fat” or “I'm stupid”, most days for two weeks or more: talk to a doctor soon. For any talk of self-harm, stay calm and close, call 999 if they are in danger now, otherwise see a doctor the same day.
- You feel low, anxious or judged most days for two weeks or more because of the criticism: talk to a doctor soon. You deserve support too.
- Family arguments turn into threats or violence at home: you can report it at the local police station, and call 999 if anyone is in danger now.
Relatives' comments rarely stop completely, but every calm answer teaches your child that you are on their side. ParentMind helps you note what happens each day, see patterns and get guidance: see how ParentMind works.
Questions parents ask
How do I respond to relatives who criticise my parenting?
Briefly and kindly: thank them, give one short line such as “This is working for us for now,” and change the subject. Don't defend every choice, because long explanations invite more debate. If one person criticises you often, talk to them privately, or ask your partner to speak to their own family.
Is it rude to ignore advice from elders?
Not if you listen politely. In many families, respecting elders means hearing them out and thanking them, not doing everything they say. You can say “Thank you, I'll think about it,” and then make your own choice. Respect shows in your tone and your manners, not in following every tip.
Should I correct a relative in front of my child?
Yes, briefly and kindly, when the comment is about your child. Children often take silence as agreement, so a calm “We don't talk about her weight” in the moment protects them without humiliating anyone. Save longer conversations for later, in private, away from the children.
What if my husband's family keeps commenting and he says nothing?
Talk to him at a calm time about your child, not about his family's faults: what is said, how it affects your child, and what you would like him to do. Many elders listen more easily to their own son. Agree a few replies together, so you face the comments as a team.
Should I listen when relatives say my child isn't talking yet?
Sometimes, yes. The comment may be unkind, but the worry can be worth checking: get a check, including hearing, if there are no words by about 16 months, no two-word phrases by about 2, or any loss of words. If your child is on track, the check-up also gives you a calm answer for next time.
How do I stop relatives commenting on my child's photos online?
Share fewer photos, and with a smaller circle, such as a private family group rather than a public post. Delete hurtful comments, and message the relative privately: “Please don't comment on her weight. She reads these.” As children grow, ask them before you post their photos at all.
This article is general information, not medical advice. For health worries, talk to a doctor; if someone is in danger, contact your local emergency number.
