School anxiety: what to do when your child doesn't want to go to school
Quick answer
School anxiety is a strong worry about school, often showing as stomach aches, tears or refusal on school mornings that ease at weekends. Stay calm, find out what feels hardest, work with the teacher and keep your child going, in small steps. Get help if school is missed for over a week or two; act at once on bullying.
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At a glance
- Who it is for
- Parents of children aged 5–16 who cry, complain of stomach aches or refuse to go to school
- Key takeaways
- Most school worry has a cause you can find: leaving you, friends or bullying, a teacher, schoolwork, exams or something at home.
- Morning stomach aches are real even when worry is the cause; if they keep coming back, have a doctor check first.
- Staying home brings relief today but usually makes the next morning harder, so a gradual return beats a long break.
- Get help if your child misses school for more than a week or two, panics, or is being bullied or harmed.
School anxiety can look like a stomach ache every school morning, tears at the gate, an hour to put on a uniform, or a flat “I’m not going”. By Friday it has vanished, and by Saturday night it is back.
It is rarely about laziness. Most children who resist school are worried about something specific, and once you know what it is, you and the school can do a lot together.
Below: the signs, the usual causes, what to do on the morning, working with the teacher, a gentle return plan and when to act fast.
What is school anxiety, and what does school refusal look like?
School anxiety is worry or fear about school that is strong enough to make mornings hard. When a child regularly refuses to go, or begs to come home, it is often called school refusal. Common signs:
- Body: stomach aches, headaches, nausea or needing the toilet, mostly on school mornings.
- Mornings: crying, tantrums, getting ready very slowly, clinging at the gate.
- At school: asking to be sent home, hiding in the toilet, not speaking in class.
- Pattern: worse the night before the school week and after holidays, much better at weekends.
School refusal is different from skipping school in secret: an anxious child usually wants to be at home with you, and you know where they are.
Why does my child not want to go to school?
A child who says “I hate school” usually means one part of it feels unbearable. Ask gently at a calm time, not on the morning itself, and listen for these common causes.
| Cause | What you might hear | A first step |
|---|---|---|
| Leaving you (often ages 5–7) | “I want to stay with you.” | A short goodbye that is the same every day |
| Friends, teasing or bullying | “Nobody plays with me.” | Ask for details; tell the class teacher that week |
| A strict teacher, or fear of being scolded | “Miss will scold me.” | Find out what happens in class; talk to the teacher calmly |
| Schoolwork that feels too hard | “I’m stupid at maths.” | Ask the teacher where they struggle; check reading and writing |
| Exams, class tests and marks | “What if I fail?” | Lower the pressure at home; praise effort, not marks |
| A new school, section or shift | “I don’t know anyone.” | Visit early and help your child find one friendly face |
| Tiredness, or worries at home | Silence, irritability, tears at night | Check sleep; explain changes at home simply |
Young children crying for a parent at drop-off usually need help with separation anxiety; wider worry is covered in anxiety in children.
What to do when your child refuses to go to school in the morning
- Stay calm and keep your voice low. A morning shouting match tends to make tomorrow harder.
- Name the feeling: “You’re worried about school today.” Don’t argue about whether the fear makes sense.
- Check quickly for real illness: fever, vomiting, diarrhoea or severe pain mean home, and a doctor if needed. A worried tummy with no other signs usually means school.
- Keep the routine moving in small, clear steps: wash, uniform, breakfast, shoes. Offer simple choices, such as which tiffin box.
- Go with your child if you can, keep the goodbye short and hand them to a teacher they trust.
- After school, ask about the good parts first, and save the bigger talk for a calm evening.
What you might say
- You’re worried about school today. I understand. We’re still going, and I’ll help you.
- Worry can make your tummy hurt. Let’s breathe slowly together.
- Which part of the day is hardest? Let’s work out what you can do then.
- You went even though it was hard. That took courage.
- If anyone at school is hurting you or scaring you, tell me. You won’t be in trouble.
How to work with the class teacher
Worry about school tends to ease sooner when home and school share one plan. Ask the class teacher for a short meeting and agree on a few things:
- What the teacher sees: is your child quiet, alone at break, upset after a particular class?
- A warm arrival: a greeting by name, or a small job such as giving out the exercise books.
- One safe person and place your child can go to when it all gets too much.
- A seat near a kind classmate, and an eye on break times if friendships or bullying are part of it.
- If schoolwork is the worry, lighter homework for a while or a quiet word of support before tests.
- How you will stay in touch: a note in the school diary or a short message each week.
How to get a child back to school after days at home
Each day of school avoidance tends to make the next day harder, because the fear grows while the child is away. A gradual return planned with the school usually works better than waiting until your child feels ready.
- Keep school-day routines at home: the same wake-up time, uniform on, schoolwork during school hours.
- Make home days quiet and a little boring: no phone, cartoons or outings during school hours.
- Agree on small steps with the teacher, such as the first period only, then until tiffin, then the full day.
- Start with the part of the day your child finds easiest, or a favourite class.
- Move up a step every few days, and praise each day at school, however it went.
- Expect wobbles after holidays and illness. A bad morning is one step back, not a reason to start again from zero.
School pressure in Bangladesh: teachers, coaching and exams
Some causes of school worry are especially common in Bangladeshi schools and homes, and most can be softened once you see them.
- Fear of the teacher: many children dread being scolded or shamed in front of the class, often over unfinished homework. Talk to the teacher. Hitting or humiliating a child is never acceptable, and physical and mental punishment is banned in schools in Bangladesh; if it happens, believe your child and go to the head teacher straight away.
- Class tests, results and rank: frequent tests, marks read out in class and, in some schools, roll numbers set by rank can make every day feel like an exam. At home, praise effort over marks; see calm evenings in exam season.
- Coaching on top of school: school, coaching and homework can leave no time to rest or play, and tiredness makes every worry bigger. If study itself has become the fight, see how to motivate your child to study.
- Early shifts and long commutes: a morning-shift start after a late night is hard on any child. Work back from the wake-up time to a bedtime that fits with the school-day planner.
- School toilets: some children hold on all day because the toilets feel dirty or unsafe, and then get stomach aches. Ask your child, and raise it with the school.
A 7-day plan for school mornings
Write one line each day: how the morning went, any aches or tears, how long your child stayed at school and what helped.
- Day 1: change nothing. Note the morning, the complaints and when they eased.
- Day 2: at a calm time, ask what feels hardest about school. Listen without fixing.
- Day 3: start the morning 15 minutes earlier, lay out the uniform and bag the night before, and check bedtime.
- Day 4: speak to the class teacher and agree on a warm arrival and one safe person.
- Day 5: use the same short goodbye at the gate, and praise going, not feeling brave.
- Day 6: at the weekend, plan the first school morning together so it feels familiar.
- Day 7: compare with Day 1. Fewer aches, an easier goodbye, longer at school? Choose the next step with the teacher.
When to get help, and when not to wait
Some signs mean you should not wait. Talk to the school and your child’s doctor or a child psychologist.
Act soon if
- Your child has missed school for more than a week or two, or misses days on and off most weeks.
- Panic: a racing heart, shaking, struggling to breathe or vomiting before school.
- Bullying, or a teacher hitting or humiliating your child: believe your child, talk to the school the same day and write down what happened; if your child is in danger, call 999.
- Stomach aches or headaches on most school days: have a doctor check your child, and mention the worry too.
- Your child falls far behind classmates in reading, writing or maths despite trying: ask the school and a doctor about an assessment.
- Low mood for two weeks or more, or any talk of not wanting to live or of self-harm: stay calm and close, call 999 if your child is in danger now, and otherwise speak to a doctor the same day.
School mornings get easier step by step, and the steps are easy to miss. ParentMind helps you note what happens each day, see patterns and get guidance: how ParentMind works.
Questions parents ask
Should I let my child stay home with a stomach ache before school?
If there is fever, vomiting or diarrhoea, keep them home. If the ache comes mostly on school mornings and fades by the afternoon or at weekends, worry is a likely cause: comfort your child, still go, and tell the teacher. If aches keep coming back, have a doctor check first.
Why does my child cry every morning before school?
Usually because something about school feels hard: leaving you, a friendship, a teacher, schoolwork or a test. Keep mornings calm and predictable, keep the goodbye short, and ask gently at a calm time what feels hardest. Tears most mornings for weeks need a talk with the teacher.
What is the difference between school refusal and skipping school?
A child with school refusal is anxious, usually wants to stay home with a parent and makes no secret of it. A child who skips school usually hides it and spends the time elsewhere, often with friends. The first needs comfort and a gradual return; the second needs closer supervision and an honest talk about why.
My child says the teacher will scold them. What should I do?
Take it seriously and ask for details: when it happens, what is said, and whether it is about homework, marks or behaviour. Then talk to the teacher calmly and ask how you can work together. If your child is being hit, humiliated or threatened, go to the head teacher straight away.
Is it normal for a child to hate school?
Many children say they hate school now and then, especially after holidays or during exams, and it passes. Look closer when the dislike is constant, comes with stomach aches or tears, or follows a change such as a new teacher, class or friendship problem. Ask what one thing would make school better.
How long does school anxiety last?
With steady support at home and school, mild worry about school often eases within a few weeks, though it can return after holidays. The longer a child stays away, the harder the return tends to be. If it is not improving after a few weeks, or school is being missed, get help.
This article is general information, not medical advice. For health worries, talk to a doctor; if someone is in danger, contact your local emergency number.
