My child is being bullied at school: signs, what to say and what to do

“My child is being bullied at school” is one of the hardest things a parent can find out. It might come out in tears at bedtime, a torn exercise book or a child who suddenly won't get into the school van. Your first feeling may be anger, or guilt that you didn't see it sooner.

Bullying is common, it is never your child's fault, and it usually eases when adults act together. Children who feel believed at home tend to cope better while the school sorts it out.

Below: bullying or a falling-out, the signs, what to say and write down, working with the school, online bullying, a child who bullies others, a 7-day plan and when to act at once.

What is bullying, and how is it different from a falling-out?

Bullying is hurtful behaviour that happens again and again, on purpose, from someone with more power: older, stronger, more popular or part of a group. Children fall out all the time; bullying is different because the same child keeps getting hurt and can't make it stop.

Bullying can be physical (hitting, pushing, taking tiffin or money), verbal (name-calling about skin colour, weight, a stammer or a village accent), social (“nobody lets me play”) or online. All of them count.

What are the signs your child is being bullied?

Many children never say the words, so the signs your child is being bullied often show first as changes. Look for a pattern over a week or two:

• Body: stomach aches or headaches on school mornings, bruises or scratches they can't explain.
• Things: torn books or uniform, lost pencil boxes, tiffin coming home uneaten, asking for extra money.
• School: not wanting to go, a new fear of the van, the bus or one corridor, marks dropping.
• Mood and sleep: quiet, tearful or angry after school, bad dreams, eating less or more than usual.
• Friends and phone: no longer mentions friends, hides the phone, seems upset after messages.

My child is being bullied at school: what to do first

1. 1Stay calm and listen. Let your child tell it their way, without interrupting or rushing to fix it.
2. 2Believe them and thank them for telling you. Say clearly that it is not their fault.
3. 3Ask open questions: what happened, who, where, when, and who saw it. Check gently for injuries.
4. 4Write it down the same day (see below), and keep any messages, screenshots or torn things.
5. 5Plan the next step together, and tell your child before you speak to the school. Children usually feel safer when nothing happens behind their back.
6. 6Contact the class teacher the same day or the next, and ask for a meeting that week.
7. 7Don't tell your child to hit back, and don't confront the other child or their parents yourself. Both tend to make things worse and can put your child at risk.

How to write down what happened

A short written record turns “my son is unhappy” into facts the school can act on. Write each incident on its own line, in your child's words, on the day it happens.

How to talk to the school about bullying

Most bullying happens where adults aren't looking: tiffin break, the toilets, the van, the corridor between classes. Once the class teacher knows, they can watch those places, so start there, calmly and with your notes.

1. 1Ask the class teacher for a short meeting, in person if you can, and say what it is about.
2. 2Share the facts from your log, not labels: what happened, when, and how your child is now.
3. 3Ask what the teacher has seen, and what the school will do to keep your child safe at break, in the toilets and on the van.
4. 4Agree a plan and a day to check in, about a week later. Write down what was agreed.
5. 5If nothing changes, or your child is hurt, go to the head teacher with your notes. Many schools now have, or are expected to have, a small committee that deals with bullying and ragging; ask the head teacher who is on it.
6. 6If a teacher is the one hurting or shaming your child, go straight to the head teacher: physical and mental punishment is banned in schools in Bangladesh. If it is a coaching or home tutor, stop the lessons while you look into it.

Online bullying: group chats, games and social media

Online bullying follows a child home: cruel messages in a class group chat, being thrown out of a group, edited photos, or insults during online games. It can be harder to escape because the phone is always there.

• Don't reply or hit back online; it usually feeds the bullying.
• Save the evidence: screenshots with names, dates and times.
• Block and report the account in the app, and leave the group if your child wants to.
• Tell the school if classmates are involved, even if it happened at night.
• Don't take the phone away as a punishment for being bullied, or children stop telling. Agree calmer phone habits together instead; see teen phone addiction.
• If anyone shares, threatens to share or asks for a sexual photo of your child: don't pay or send anything, and never copy or forward the photo. Believe your child, keep them safe, block and report the account, report it at your local police station (thana) the same day and call 999 if they are in danger now.

What if my child is the one bullying others?

Hearing that your child has bullied someone is painful, and wanting to defend them is natural. Children who bully usually need help too: many are copying something they have seen, struggling with something of their own, or trying to fit in with a group.

1. 1Listen to the school calmly, and ask for the facts before you decide what happened.
2. 2Talk to your child at a calm time: what happened, and how do they think the other child felt?
3. 3Be clear that it stops, and agree a way to put it right: an apology, returning things, kind words in the group chat.
4. 4Look for what is behind it: being bullied themselves, trouble at home, a new group of friends, or a lot of time online with nobody checking in.
5. 5Don't hit or shame your child. Physical punishment tends to teach that the stronger person wins, the very lesson you want to undo; see discipline without hitting.
6. 6Notice and praise kind behaviour, and stay in touch with the teacher for a few weeks.

Bullying in Bangladeshi schools: coaching, vans and “just teasing”

Some of the bullying Bangladeshi children face has a local shape, and naming it makes it easier to spot.

• “They're only teasing”: elders sometimes wave it away as children's play. Teasing that one child dreads every day is bullying, whatever it is called.
• Looks and background: skin colour, weight, height, a stammer, a village accent, religion or how much money a family has are common targets. Say at home that none of these is a reason to mock anyone.
• Vans, coaching and tiffin: the school van, coaching centres and tiffin break often have the fewest adults watching. Ask the van driver, the coaching centre and the teacher to keep an eye out.
• Seniors and ragging: in some schools, colleges and hostels, older students “rag” younger ones. It is bullying, and the same steps apply.
• Family gatherings: cousins can bully too, often at Eid or weddings. Your child may need you to step in, kindly, even in front of relatives.
• Confidence afterwards: a child who has been mocked for weeks may need help to feel capable again; see how to build a child's confidence.

A 7-day plan after your child tells you

When the thought “my child is being bullied at school” keeps you awake, a short daily note shows whether things are changing. Write one line each evening: how school went, anything that happened, and your child's mood and sleep.

1. 1Day 1: listen, believe, thank your child and write down what they told you.
2. 2Day 2: contact the class teacher and book a meeting. Tell your child when it is.
3. 3Day 3: with your child, choose one safe adult at school and one safe place to go at break.
4. 4Day 4: meet the teacher, and agree a plan and a day to check in.
5. 5Day 5: plan something your child enjoys outside class, with a friend, a cousin or a hobby.
6. 6Day 6: ask what has changed, and add any new incidents to your log.
7. 7Day 7: compare with Day 1. If nothing has changed, go to the head teacher with your notes.

When to act at once, and when to get more help

Most bullying eases once home and school act together. Some signs mean you should not wait.

Bullying often eases step by step, and the steps are easy to miss when you are worried. ParentMind helps you note what happens each day, see patterns and get guidance: how ParentMind works.